I was Pottery Barn outlet the other day, and I must have been the only woman there who was not a mother with kids in tow. Several of the little tykes were not very happy, maybe because they had been dragged away from the Pottery Barn Kids section, full of wondrous things like Pink Metro Phones for $129 and Personalized Popcorn Bowls for $59, over to the Fragile Useless Pretty-Looking Things section, where they were told Don’t touch ANYTHING, because if you break something I will have to pay an arm and a leg for it, and your arm and leg won’t fetch that much on the human limbs black market. In case you’ve never been to a Pottery Barn Outlet, the term “outlet” is just a dirty trick to get you in the store. Once inside, you won’t care that things are still ridiculously overpriced, because you HAVE to have that wooden thingymabob to put smelly twigs and leaves, A.K.A. potpourri, in because your house NEEDS an “earthy focal point”. Never mind that it will attract termites, or that you can get smelly twigs and leaves from your backyard.

One child in particular was making his displeasure evident. He was about five or six, sitting in the cart seat as his mother rolled him down the aisle. He really did not want to be in that seat, so much so that he resorted to desperate measures to attempt to coerce his way out of it. As I passed, I heard him say, “MOM! If you don’t let me out I’m gonna poop my pants!” I have no idea if he made good on his threat or not, but it got me wondering how that would go over as an adult.

Boss-man: You wanted to see me?
Employee: Yes! I want a raise! And if you don’t give it to me, I’m going to poop my pants!
Boss-man: You’re shitting me, right?
Employee: No. I’m shitting myself. Right now.

Unfortunately this lacks dignity. Some adults might care about this. Unless they’ve been on The Bachelor. But what’s more of a problem is that this threat has no power unless the one to whom you’re making it is the one cleaning up the poop. Therefore I think I’ll wait till I’m old and living in a nursing home with someone else wiping my ass to use this trick.

Give me extra pudding for dessert or the granny panties get it.