The Bachelor

How to make your daughter's boyfriend ("boyfriend" in the fundamentalist Mormon sense of the word) break up with her faster than you can say "Kookiest Hometown Date Ever."

Bachelorette's mom to Brad:
"You are my husband's sign. I mean, the stars line up and when you go on a jacuzzi, the big dipper is in the sky. And you can lasso it when you're up there and one day I was sitting out there and it hit me like a rock [that explains a lot]. I knew she was The One. I know she's The One. Whether she's your One, or somebody else's One, I know, she's, The One.
I think you guys are great. When I saw your eyes, the first thing I saw were the eyes together. And I couldn't take my eyes off your eyes. And, a mother knows, like these are my stars lining up, and, they line up."

I checked out Brad's horoscope. It said "travel to California is ill advised."

This kind of thing is one of the (many) reasons I would never go on The Bachelor. My mom doesn't speak in New Age tongues, but I'm sure she'd have the urge to talk about things I would rather her not bring up, like how in the dead of a minus 20-something degree winter's day when I was ten I hobbled home with pants so stiff I could barely move because my friend made laugh so hard I peed myself and it froze. And she always feels compelled to comment on how my appearance has changed since she last saw me (I see her about once a year). The sole reason I grew out my hair is because I got tired of hearing "Hi dahling you've gained/lost weight [I swear she's more sensitive than a postal scale]. Is that a SPOT on your face?" It gives her something to focus on other than my zits.